I stayed quiet. From the corner of my eyes I could tell he was a bit nervous when he approached me but what I was really trying to do was shield him from my inner turmoil. I felt tense and the chilly air only added to my frustration. Despite longing for his comfort, I chose to stay reserved and aloof, my usual response when I detect any hint of rejection whether actual or imaged. He timidly asked me:
“Hey, I see you look sad. I don’t know why. If it’s something I did, please tell me so I can avoid repeating it. I remember the details of your story that you shared with me, and I understand you still have some unresolved pain. I never want to aggravate those wounds. So please, tell me where I’ve hurt you.”
How genuine were those words. Beautifully unexpected. I didn't know how to feel after hearing that. I saw the sunset reflecting in his eyes, so pure and emotional that I was moved to open my heart. I wanted to share all of me with him, seeking refuge under his protective embrace but, crap, I suddenly felt responsible for putting him such a vulnerable position, so I withdrew instead.
Oh Gosh! What am I doing? The wise ones had advised me repeatedly that taking a leap of faith can lead to great outcomes. Was this the moment to take that chance? I was terrified.
He continued, “I really want to stand by your side today, tomorrow, and the many days ahead. I want to know how to avoid hurting you or causing you pain. I want to heal with you so that the moments we are together are lived with authenticity.”
I thought for a while about those words. They had a soothing effect on me, much like the vibrant oranges and violets hues in the sky, encouraging me to speak passionately. But as with any learned behavior, being open to love and attention is a skill that needs practice. Therefore, embracing a more courageous self, influenced by the stork observing the conversation from a barren tree, I bled out my truth.
"Look, I’m not familiar with such tenderness. The last time I was in a relationship was when Michael Jackson dangled Blanket off a balcony. It's been so long that I've forgotten how to behave around someone I deeply care about. When you don't reach out I imagine it's because you've moved on. So, should I reach out then? Should it be one text per day? Two? Three? How many phone calls are acceptable... per hour? It's silly but I'm clueless. All I know is that I like you... a lot. If I reach out too often, you might see me as clingy and change my name on your phone to some witty nickname. Since I don't know the 'rules,' I rely on my analytical side and stay on neutral ground though my neutral ground looks a lot like detachment."
“Why do you listen to your brain and not your heart?” he asked.
“Well, if my logic fails, it’s easier for me to say, well, shit! I miscalculated that big time! Oh well. If my heart fails me, I internalize the pain which triggers feelings of abandonment.” I explained. Then he countered:
“Aren’t you the one who told me that you launched your fashion concierge service business, Fly à la MODE, by mostly following your heart? You told me that you knew that if you didn’t act boldly, face embarrassment, and being open to failure you would be mad at yourself for potentially missing out on a great achievement. You said you were willing to fail gloriously if the business didn’t take off. You also said that despite the long journey to success, listening to your heart provided a sense of security that propelled you forward. So, why are you hesitating to trust your heart with me?”
Damn, he was right. I couldn't come up with a response. The stork's disapproving posture suggested that my instinct to protect myself was actually confining me. Even the wind deserted me and left my hair looking busted. The air grew thin, my panic increased. I scrambled my brain to make sense of my conflicting logic and I remained silent. Did he sense my internal alarm bells that went off? It seemed so as he got closer and held my hand. Oh, how strong and reassuring were his hands! He paused and gazed at me. No, not me. Not ‘usual’ me but the sweetest and favorite version of me that I suppress because I get uneasy with the attention she attracts. Despite my awkwardness, I love that part of me. And somehow, he locked eyes with her.
A smile played on his lips, illuminated by the moonlight. What a handsome man! His dimples exuded playfulness. The faint smile lines enhanced his cheeks, and oh, I hadn’t noticed the timid grey strands mingling with his dark brown afro hair. The highlighted golden hues of fallen leaves and the glow on the tree hollows set a magical backdrop to admire this man. He gently asked:
“Okay, if you had it your way, no negative consequences or judgement, what would your heart tell you to do right now?” I ran all the scenarios of what could go wrong if I continued talking. I calculated potential losses, measured failure rates, even predicted recovery timeline for heartache, and I came up with numerous discouraging outcomes. Overwhelmed, I took a chance and replied:
“I would be lying right here with you, on this chaise, facing the serene water, obeying its innocence. I’d have my head on your chest, focusing on your heartbeat while you share amusing anecdotes of your day. Your stories about your producers and writers never fail to bring a smile to my face. While the story itself would fade into the background, I would be entranced by your voice, the flow of your words, your enchanting African accent. I would harmonize my breathing with yours, seeking the tranquility of your body to calm my own nervous sensations. I would listen to your infectious laughter, caress your cheek while running my fingers through your curls. I would lose myself in you and silently offer a prayer:
'Dear God,
Thank you for such a wonderful moment with the most compassionate soul you brought into existence.
Thank you for entrusting me with him as we are now in perfect harmony, resonating with purity.
Thank you for revealing the paradise you have reserved for me.
Thank you and I treasure this connection with your blessing.
Amen.'
Then I’d drift to sleep to the soothing melody of your song.”
He froze. What happened? Did I say too much? He was speechless for an endless second, took a deep breath, then firmly asked:
“Emi, will you marry me?” All sounds faded and the world held its breath. I was not sure if I was hot or cold anymore. I searched in his eyes for clues and all I found was love and reassurance. I was deeply in love. With him. With the safety of his heart. With the tenderness of his touch that cradled me like a precious gem. In that moment, I was certain. I was in the presence of a man who wanted to lead me to a life of sweet abundance. I said a resounding yes and Mother Nature celebrated with us - the trees danced, the river sparkled, and the light in his eyes brightened the sky as the stork flew off in a hurry to spread the news of our love.
That was my favorite dream in Maasai Mara, Kenya. It was rudely interrupted by the early risers, the silver tail monkeys. At around 6:15 AM, they turned my tent into an expressway to their breakfast spot, forcing me to wake up from that delightful dream. This place holds powerful magic that has profoundly impacted my soul. Even though I am departing for Nairobi today, the spirit of Maasai Mara will forever linger within me.
Whether I was dreaming or not, my response remains the same:
"Yes, I will marry you."
FIN
Comments