We’re gonna start with the Guardian angel at the Zurich Station because... well, I needed her.
I was alone in a foreign city.
On this trip, I didn't take many pictures of me because I was mainly focused on escaping my sadness. I was grappling with emotional pain that resurfaced following an incident involving a relative who accompanied me on this vacation. The re-emergence of childhood trauma can be unpredictable, triggered by something as simple as a single glance, a spoken word, or a particular gesture, and BOOM! suddenly I find myself transported back to a moment when I felt small, unwanted, and overwhelmed by anxiety. That is precisely what happened while I was abroad. A single instant shattered my heart, prompting me to go to my survival mode of distancing myself from the people I was with to protect my inner child. My precious little girl who was ungraciously and abruptly yanked from her nest.
So, I lost myself in trains, buses, and the labyrinthine corridors that demanded my full attention, as the cobblestone streets in Zurich didn't care about my mood or the shoes I decided to wear because, though saddened, I wanted to look cute in my jumpsuit. Nonetheless, even under gloomy skies, Zurich offered its charm at its finest.
You know which part hurts the most about being alone? Being alone when you're surrounded by people. Worst, by people you know. Which thoughts weigh on your mind on those situations?
Escape – running away from your life? Let's get distracted so we don't have to feel this void.
Liberation – running to the life you want? We want joy. So, let's imagine a better scenario than today's.
Daring – ignoring all that's around you and scream to let it all out? But you may end up loosing those who were holding on for you.
I’ve found myself escaping this whole trip. Admitedly, looking back I think the last option would have been the better choice. But I sought refuge in Zurich's stunning scenery and the hospitality and kindness of the Swiss. It’s easy to lose yourself when you’re surrounded by beautiful people.
...Some shots I took while visiting Fraumünster church - very appropriate for what was going on internally. It was as I expected, serene and exquisite.
One day I took an Uber from the Airbnb to downtown. The Uber driver, who mainly spoke German, was very engaging and seemingly happy. He shared details about his interests such as his favorite basketball player, his trips to visit his family in Bosnia, and the charming neighborhoods in Zurich. Although I was smiling and nodding, I didn't underand most of what he was saying. I admired his enthusiasm and willingness to open up about his life, even though I felt emotionally detached. The only thing I understood with minimal effort was his sincere compliment about me being a "beautiful lady", because he said it with such genuine delight and made sure to make eye contact. Meeting his gaze in the rearview mirror brought a smile to my face. Maybe he did sense my melancholy after all...
I gave in to my emotions... sigh... Is that good? When I'm sad, I shut down. It’s an unhelpful learned behavior from childhood. As an adult, it doesn’t translate to others as “I need help. Please nurture me”. Instead, it comes across as “so rude. I gonna cut her off”, which intensifies the emotional distress. I felt fragile and isolated and it took me a week after returning back home to shake off those feelings.
Alas, on this trip, I returned home with a realization that I'm not done healing and a very expensive mirror as a souvenirs.
Zurich, we have to meet again, this time, when I'm well...
Fin
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