Nirvana? Alone?

5 hours ago

3 min read

Dear Bengie,

I'm scared to move my arms when you fall asleep on me.

I don't want to disturb a single moment of our cuddling.

That's my chance to whisper sweet nothings in your ears. And I know you're my sister's cat, but I'm campaigning to become your favorite human. So far, you still seem pretty indifferent to us all.

But now that you've made me part of your night routine, it's time we update my status.

It's strange how easy and natural it is to talk to you. I love when you move your ears to listen to my voice. It makes me feel like I have my own trusted channel.

I'm scared of writing down my dreams.

They're all bigger than my 5'2", 110-pounds frame. How am I supposed to lift them on my own? They're enormous- big enough to tuck me into their pockets and carry me off to Heaven's Grande Salle.

But what if I'm not dressed properly?

I'm scared of whispering my dreams at night, in my room.

Elijah said He is in the whispers. What if He hears the frequency He created and responds?

I'm scared of talking from the heart.

What if you receive some special insight from me? What if that awakens something in you, the way my friend awakened something in me? There's no reverse button after that, you know. And I've been scared to talk to that friend again ever since.

I'm scared of showing you all my colors.

What if there's one you don't like? I know you won't like the side of me that no longer feels obliged to bend over backwards for you. I say no now, too. Out loud. Frightfully, yes, but with the confidence that comes from consulting Him before I say it.

I'm scared that if I empty myself of every emotion, my soul will receive that as a green light and reclaim its dominion.

Then what?

Abundance. Purity. Eternity.

Cool. But then what happens to me?

Will I just sit there like a potato?

What was the point of all these feelings and desires? To derail me? To let me experience being human?

I'm scared that if I keep eating so much peanut butter, my cholesterol will be high... again.

"How? You are so skinny!" you say.

Like LDL cares.

I'm scared to say I'm scared because I AM is The Name, and it feels wrong to place fear beside it.

But that's my limitation, not Yours.

So now, I'm sorry. But that's insulting to You, too.

How do I tell you that the human is scared without muddying Your Name?

I'm scared of a lot of things, Bengie.

But what do you know about fear? You're a cat. I've seen your kind stand your ground against mighty, clawed monsters. I've seen you intimidate your opponents with nothing more than a stare. Ah, what a gutsy specimen you are!

Hey, before you wake up and set off for your nightly adventures, could you deliver this message for me?

I'm scared that I'm changing too fast.

Becoming more aware, more attuned, more ready to create.

It feels like a superpower I'm not prepared for. Finally, I'd get to complain like a Marvel superhero about my new, awesome superpower.

With all that power, I'd risk getting everything I ask for.

Then what?

I AM, what if we become one again?

I'm scared that I know enough about nutrition to realize that 2,050 mg of sodium in one container of instant noodles is a killer. How is that legal? What deal do those companies have with hypertension medication manufacturers?

Then they have the nerve to write "no added MSG" in bold, like they're looking out for me.

No added MSG, my foot!

Ugh...

I'm scared that I might get everything I want.

Then I'll be in Nirvana...

alone.

With love, and a little fear,

Emi

P.S. Welp, I ate the noodles. Hypertension, take it easy on me.